Bab 08 — Menatap Akhir Era dari Balik Laptop Kantor.

The Merge

08:11 — CHANGED CONSTELLATIONS

Enam bulan setelah putus.

Notifikasi LinkedIn muncul
tanpa izin:

[LO] promoted to Vice President, Engineering.

Gua lihat.
Tutup tab.

Notifikasi lain nyusul:

Series A lead investor withdrawing commitment.

Kontrasnya kejam.

Satu naik.
Satu runtuh.

Timeline bergerak
tanpa ampun:

Bulan 19: Lo balik ke SF. Putus dikonfirmasi.
Bulan 21: Lead engineer tim gua resign.
Bulan 23: Investor mulai dingin.
Bulan 24: Deal Series A gugur.
Bulan 26: Layoff.
Bulan 28: Perusahaan tutup.

Delapan bulan.

Dari “promising startup”
ke “failed venture.”

Di tempat lain,
garis hidup Lo berbeda:

Naik.
Naik lagi.
Promosi.
Panggung.
Sorotan.

Bintang tidak salah.
Langitnya yang berubah.

Konstelasi lama
tidak bisa dipakai
navigasi lagi.

🜃

08:22 — THE MERGE

Walau hidup terpisah,

Void Protocol masih aktif.
Monthly PR reviews continue:

[PULL REQUEST #789]
GUA: "Refactor authentication flow"
LO: "Looks good. One comment on error handling."
GUA: "Fixed. Merging."
LO: "👍"

Professional.
Distant.
Functional.

Sampai suatu malam.

Late night.
Gua drunk.
Can’t sleep.

Commit jam 3:47 pagi:

commit a4f829c
Author: Gua
Date: 3:47 AM

Refactor user session management

// TODO: fix everything
// FIXME: life.exe has stopped working  
// HACK: temporary solution to permanent problem
// NOTE: why am I still doing this

Enam belas jam kemudian:

LO: This code is... concerning.
LO: The comments especially.
LO: Are you okay?

Gua jawab delapan jam setelahnya.

GUA: Yeah. Just tired. Late night coding.
GUA: Merging this.
LO: [GUA]!.

Tidak jujur.
Tidak sepenuhnya bohong.

Merge masih hidup.
Seperti anggota tubuh yang sudah dipotong,

tapi masih terasa nyeri.

🜃

08:33 — THE SHADOW

Delapan bulan setelah shutdown.

Apartemen Jakarta.
Hari keempat tidak keluar.

Inventaris kegagalan:

1. Mie instan habis.
2. Piring menumpuk.
3. Tirai tertutup.
4. Laptop menyala terus.
5. Panggilan nyokap gak dijawab.

Masih hidup.
Nyaris tidak bernyawa.

Cermin memantul balik:

“Dulu lo bikin sesuatu.
Sekarang lo cuma ada.”

Gua pukul kaca.
Tidak keras.

Cukup untuk berdarah.

Mulai berfikir mati.
Mulai ingin gak ada.

Hape bergetar.

Void Protocol notification:
[PR #847 — MERGED]

LO: “Memory optimization — removing deprecated patterns”

Changes:

Removed legacy authentication functions
Cleaned up old session handlers
Deleted commented-out code from 2024

Commit message:
“Time to clean up.
Some patterns served their purpose
but no longer optimal.”

Gua baca kodenya.

Fungsi-fungsi itu.
Mereka nulisnya bareng.
Setahun lalu.
Di kehidupan yang berbeda.

Sekarang semuanya dibuang.

“Legacy code.”
“Deprecated patterns.”

Apa itu juga gua?

Legacy?
Deprecated?
Dijadwalkan
untuk garbage collection?

Lo nggak lagi ngomong soal kode.

Gua nggak balas.

🜃

08:34 — THE CALL

Kopi siang.

Alibi
untuk kelihatan normal.

“Hey?”
suara dari belakang gua.

[DEDICATED PM] duduk di depan gua.
Terakhir ketemu
waktu Project Phoenix,
tiga tahun lalu.

Dia menatap lama.

[DEDICATED PM]: “You look different.”
GUA: “Yeah. Life happened.”

[DEDICATED PM]:
“I heard about the startup.
I’m sorry.”
GUA: “Thanks.”

Canggung.

[DEDICATED PM]: “You still talk to [LO]?”
GUA: “Cuma sisa kerjaan.”

Dia ragu.

[DEDICATED PM]:
“[LO] asks about you sometimes.
During our monthly syncs.
We still catch up.
Phoenix team reunion calls.”

Hening.

[DEDICATED PM]:
“[LO] asks.
Casually.

‘How’s Jakarta tech scene?’
‘Hear anything about Web3 lately?’
‘Know anyone doing interesting work there?’

Never your name directly.
But I know what she’s asking.”

Gua minta satu hal:

“Jangan bilang apa-apa.”

Jeda.

[DEDICATED PM]:
“Does [LO] know?
How bad it got?”

GUA:
“No.
And please don’t tell.”

[DEDICATED PM]: “Hei—”

GUA:
“I mean it, [DEDICATED PM].
Don’t tell [LO],
We’re done.

Clean break.

No need to drag her down
or make her feel obligated.”

[DEDICATED PM]:
“Okay.
I won’t tell [LO].
But whatever you’re doing right now—
it’s not sustainable.”

Dia berdiri, lalu bilang:

[DEDICATED PM]:
“And pretending you’re fine
doesn’t make it true.”

Jeda sebentar.

“Think about it.
Good seeing you.
Take care of yourself.”

Pesan diterima.
Pesan yang tidak diinginkan.
Tapi mungkin benar.

🜃

08:35 — THE ARRIVAL

Two weeks later.

Jam 3:17 pagi.
Bel apartemen bunyi.

Tiga kali.

What the fuck?
3 AM?

Bunyi lagi.
Persisten.

Tetangga mabuk, pikir gua.

Bel terus bunyi.

Fuck.

Bangun.
Jalan ke pintu.

Lihat lewat peephole.
Beku.

Beku total.

Lo.
Berdiri di lorong.

3 AM.
Jakarta.
Di depan pintu gua.

What the actual fuck.

Jangan buka.

LO: “[GUA].”

Suaranya tembus pintu.
Jelas.
Capek.
Nekat.

“Gua tau lo di dalem.
Gua bisa lihat bayangan di bawah pintu.
Buka.”

Hening.

LO:
“Gua nggak akan pergi.

Gua bakal di sini sampai pagi.
Tetangga lo bakal komplain.
Satpam bakal datang.

Lo harus jelasin kenapa
mantan lo gedor-gedor pintu
jam tiga pagi.

Just open the fuckin door.”

Dan pintu mulai digedor.

Fuck.

Kunci dibuka.
Pintu dibuka sedikit.

Rantai masih terpasang.

GUA: “Ngapain lo di sini?”

Lo berdiri di sana.

Tas kabin.
Mata merah.

LO: “Just let me in.”

GUA: “[LO], it’s 3 AM.
You’re supposed to be in SF.”

LO:
“I was in SF.
Then I got on a plane.
Now I’m here.
Can I come in?”

Pilihan:

Pura-pura nggak ada (Lo tau).
Bilang nggak (Lo tetap di lorong).
Bilang iya (harus hadapin ini).

Semuanya jelek.
Pilih yang paling nggak jelek.

GUA: “Fine.”

Rantai dilepas.
Pintu dibuka.

Sunyi.
Berantakan.
Jujur.

“[DEDICATED PM] nelpon,” katanya.

Fuck [DEDICATED PM].

LO:
“Terus gua baca commit-commit lo.
Bener-bener baca.”

Dia nunjuk layar.

Commits by Gua (last 30 days):

3:47 AM — “fix nothing, break everything”

4:23 AM — “temporary hack for permanent failure”

2:15 AM — “TODO: figure out point of this”

5:01 AM — “why am I still doing this”

3:33 AM — “deprecate self.existence()”

4:44 AM — “life.exe has encountered fatal error”

[27 more commits, all between 2–5 AM]

LO:
“Every commit between 2 and 5 AM.
Every comment some variation of
‘everything is broken.’

And today—
today you committed this.”

Dia buka yang terakhir.

commit f8a9d2e
Author: Gua
Date: 2:47 AM

Remove error logging

// If nobody’s listening
// Why log errors
// Let it fail silently

“Di situ gua beli tiket.”

Hening.

GUA:
“Lo terbang 15 jam
gara-gara commit message?”

LO:
“Gua terbang 15 jam
karena gua masih bisa ngerasa The Merge asshole.”

GUA: “Merge apa?”

LO:
“The Merge.
Yang dari The Void.

Waktu kita masih bisa saling ngerasa.
Itu nggak pernah hilang.

Gua coba cuekin.
Coba move on.

Tapi tiap lo commit jam tiga pagi
pakai komentar soal hidup yang rusak…

Gua ngerasain.”

Jeda.

LO:
“Kayak gema.
Kayak phantom pain.

Kayak alarm di kepala gua
teriak: something’s wrong.

Dan gua coba abaikan.

Berbulan-bulan.
Gua bilang ke diri sendiri:
ini bukan urusan gua.

Kita udah putus.
Lo bukan tanggung jawab gua.

Tapi—”

Gua ketawa pahit.

GUA: “Jadi ini kewajiban?”

LO: “Bukan,” katanya tegas.
“Ini pilihan.”

LO:
“Because despite everything—

the breakup,
the distance,
the fact that we failed—

you still matter.

And I can’t watch you
disappear into yourself
without at least trying.”

Gua runtuh.
Sambil nyender ke dinding.
Semua keluar.

Startup gagal.
Tim bubar.
Uang habis.
Harga diri remuk.
Mabuk setiap hari.
Lelah dengan hidup.

Lo nyender di samping gua.

“Gua hampir dipecat juga,” katanya pelan.
“Bedanya cuma satu:
gua gagal dan masih punya struktur.”

Struktur.
Itu kata yang hilang.

“Lo depresi,” katanya.
“Bukan malas.
Bukan lemah.”

Gua nendang meja.
Semua yang gua pendam keluar.

Nggak elegan.
Nggak runut.
Nggak tenang.

Lo pegang tangan gua.

Gua bisa ngerasa apa yang lo rasa.
The Merge berdenyut.

Bukan romantis.
Bukan profesional.

Hanya koneksi
yang menolak putus.
Sambil nyender di dinding.

🜃

08:50 — MORNING AFTER

Pagi masuk
lewat tirai
yang dibuka paksa.

GUA: “You’re still here.”
LO: “Where else would I be?”

GUA:
“I don’t know.

Hotel?
Airport?
San Francisco?”

LO:
“Flight back tonight.
I have 12 hours.
We’re using them.”

GUA: “For?”
LO: “Damage control.”

Lo buka laptop dengan list.

Next 10 hours:

08:00–09:00 — Force Gua to shower
(LO: “I don’t care if you don’t want to. Lo bau. Mandi. Now.”)

09:00–10:00 — Make actual breakfast
(LO: “Indomie bukan makanan. Gua masak. Lo makan.”)

10:00–12:00 — Clean apartment almost together
(LO doing most of the work. GUA helping when energy allows.)

12:00–13:00 — Therapist research
(LO on laptop. GUA duduk di dekatlo.)

LO:
“Found three options.

All take insurance.
All have openings this week.

I’m booking the first appointment
before I leave.
You just have to show up.”

GUA: “Fuck no—”

LO:
“Fuck yes.
Non-negotiable.

I’m not asking.
I’m telling.
I’m paying.

You need professional help.
I can’t provide that.

But I can make sure
you get connected.”

Jeda.

LO: “Consider it…
The Merge maintenance fee.”

Gua mulai kesel.
Tersinggung.

GUA: “That’s not how The Merge works.”

LO: “We don’t know how The Merge works.

So I’m declaring
this is how it works now.

You’re drowning.
The Merge alerts me.
I intervene.

That’s the protocol.”

GUA: “We have protocols for everything.”
LO: “Yeah. We do. Maybe that’s our thing.”

Bukan diskusi.
Eksekusi.

15:00–17:00 — Set up support systems

Weekly call scheduled (every Sunday).
Therapist appointment confirmed (Thursday, 2 PM).
Emergency contact protocol written.
Void Protocol modified (daily check-in commits).

17:00 — Airport time.

LO beresin tas.
Di pintu.

LO: “Rules.”
GUA: “More protocols?”
LO: “Always.

-Therapy Thursday. Show up.
-Weekly call Sunday. Don’t skip.
-Daily commit to Void Protocol. Proof of life.
-Emergency protocol: if you’re in crisis, text ‘MERGE’ and I get on a plane.
-No lying about being fine. Honesty protocol still active.”

GUA: “Fuck you [LO]. That’s a lot of rules.”

LO: “You need a fucking structure.
Structure helps with depression.
So: structure.”

Jeda.

LO: “Can you do this?”

Jeda panjang.

GUA: “I’ll try.”
LO: “Good enough. For now.”

Pelukan.
Awkward.

GUA: “For what is worth, thanks [LO].”

LO: “Don’t thank me.

This is selfish.
I can’t function with Merge
screaming at me
that you’re drowning.

So this is for both of us.”

Senyum kesal.

GUA: “Still. Thanks.”

LO: “Take care of yourself, [GUA].

Actually take care.
Not pretend-take-care.”

GUA: “I will.”

LO: “See you Sunday.
Video call.”
GUA: “Yeah.”

LO pergi.

Gua berdiri di ambang pintu.
Nonton dia menjauh.

Fuck.

Struktur dipasang.

🜃

08:59 — THREE MONTHS LATER

Call Minggu ke-12.

Terapi jalan.

Tidur membaik.

Interview dijadwalkan.

Merge masih ada.
Kadang berat.
Kadang mengganggu.

Tapi sekarang fungsional.

Bukan kutukan.
Bukan penyelamat.
Jaring pengaman.

Commit harian:

// Still here  
// Still trying

Komentar balasan:

LO: “Proud of you.”

Pendek.

Cukup.

Konstelasi lama memang runtuh.
Tapi yang baru—

masih bisa dipakai bernapas.

Dan untuk sekarang,
itu sudah cukup.

Cukup berjalan 3 bulan.
Abis itu gua ilang.
Gak ada satupun yang tau dimana gua.

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